Effing Dykes Gifts: Just What Lies Below (Her Nails) | Autostraddle

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Effing Dykes

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Hiya lezzers!

I’ve got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO NOTICE A SCARY STORY??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get the buddy. Every person had gotten the friend? Great. Hang on fast your pal’s hand.

‘Cause this is a true tale.

Ahem.

Not So Long Ago, once I was actually therefore freshly homosexual I Did Not even understand I Became freshly gay…

An meet older lesbians at the now-defunct queer club called


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I was entirely just there to dance)


gave me some advice:

1)


Never ever open a combined bank account together with your lover



2)


Never fake orgasms



3)


Make sure a woman’s nails tend to be clean.

The a good idea lesbian was a student in the woman late 40’s, an age bracket yet from my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that i really couldn’t actually envision exactly what it needs to be want to be therefore ancient.

How unfortunate, I Was Thinking. Here this woman is at a bar and she is outdated. I am hoping I do not finish lonely like the girl.

Actually it fun getting the biggest market of yours world?

What just a little shit I found myself.

For whatever reason, however, I walked away from

Za’s


that evening duplicating her three principles to myself personally.

Whenever I woke right up, I was thinking of these.

It absolutely was a lot like inside the sterling silver seat, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb are billed by Aslan to remember The indications.


Do not act like you don’t re-read the Narnia boxed-set at least once a-year.

Anyway! through the years, I always recalled the three life instructions the lesbian had instructed myself. Her information made sense.

I never ever exposed a shared bank checking account with anyone.

We never faked orgasms once again following the first few times used to do it, recognizing I found myself, indeed, dooming me to a perpetual period of shitty sex by satisfying poor overall performance with my cries of “ecstasy.”

And I also constantly privately examined a woman’s nails before I slept together with her.

Brief? Check.

No rough sides? Check.

Thoroughly clean? Its go time.

But why, sluts?


What is the fuss about nails?


What’s with all the current short-nailed lesbian jokes? What?

I am talking about, alright, I have it. It really is harder to shag with very long fingernails. You can perhaps puncture a lung or something.

But it is perhaps not difficult. I had very long nails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t all of that hard — you only make sure to utilize the shields of hands.

So just why ended up being that lesbian thus emphatic about thoroughly clean fingernails?

You guys, she had been



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made the decision accomplish some debunking.

Definitely nothing could truly occur should you decide got fucked by someone with dirty nails.

And we recalled a story therefore awful I would almost forgotten it.

Homos.

Bad crap can occur.

This horror tale involves you courtesy of my personal good-looking buddy ”


Cai



,” who’s seen a lot more twat in heating than a kitty hospital on complimentary Spay time.

All Right.

Cai


was a student in Miami whenever she found a tremendously hot femme we are going to call


Katie.

Katie


smelled like glucose cookies cooking, used a leopard-print swimsuit, had huge silver hoops that shimmered inside the light, and also possessed one of several finest asses


Cai


had ever observed.

She covertly texted myself a picture of

Katie

at the swimming pool so she could brag, and that I texted right back,


“I would hit that till my hand dropped off.”

Thus, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


home that night. There had been some really serious consuming.

While getting undressed


Katie


into the half-light,


Cai


noticed one thing she hadn’t really seen prior to:



Katie had cool nails.

In fact,




Katie




had a long, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


couldn’t stop the psychological picture of these nails clawing down the woman back while she fucked


Katie


, very animalistic gender commenced.

Cai


even allow

Katie


screw the girl, despite the fact that she ordinarily never allows anybody do this. Just what hell, she figured. Going house tomorrow. Never see this woman once again. I could get topped for every night.

Why don’t we fast-forward a couple weeks, shall we?

One thing had been completely wrong with


Cai’s


“area.”

Really, really wrong. It itched. It burnt.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish things ended up being oozing from it. And when I say some I mean too much. amounts. of. pus.

Cai


refused to go right to the lady-doctor.

Because getting encouraging is really what friendship is about, when she told me, I stated,


“So you at long last had gotten the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


chuckled nervously. She went home, googled “the clap” and became convinced that she did, undoubtedly have actually gonorrhea. She went, the very first time ever


(she had been 28),


to your queer-friendly community gyno center.

They didn’t know very well what had been completely wrong with her.

They tried the lady for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Nothing.

Cai


was in some discomfort. She required solutions. She was basically putting the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for almost a month now.

So they gave the girl an ultrasound.

AND CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THEY DISCOVERED.

Vaginal rips. All over the inside of the woman vag.

Lots and lots of rips.

Cai


had been torn to shreds. Her insides had been dangling in ribbons. Appeared to be crepe-paper birthday accents within.

And every little thing – every final inch – ended up being infected.

It might appear that when Katie made use of the woman fabulous lengthy nails supply

Cai


an energetic drunk-fuck, no body understood that her fingernails had been in addition a festering breeding floor for



bacterial vaginosis

.

Amazing.

Cai


states happen a stone-cold very top since that time.

My best friend wikipedia says you can acquire awful attacks from dirty fingernails. Seemingly, there are occasionally staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, which could trigger any such thing from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And do you know what else?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna say.

That sensible lesbian was actually spot-on together with her existence classes.

Never ever open up a mutual bank account along with your lover.

Never artificial orgasms.

And holy mom of god, browse an innovative new strategy’s fingernails before screwing.

Or perhaps you tend to be condemned to experience the fortune of Cai.

THE END

I Must ask yourself, though…

Have any of y’all actually gotten something awful from another women’s hands?

Or been aware of an individual who did?

Or is this mostly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban myth?

My hands are inching towards travel-sized Purell package.

I need responses.